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警惕!父母的权威正在毁灭我们的孩子!很真实!

发布日期:2024-08-31 00:22:24编辑:胖虎爱撩妹

上大学的时候,有一个女同学,和我关系还不错,我们会经常一起泡图书馆,一起去食堂吃饭,偶尔还会去学校后街上逛逛。
 
刚开始,我们对彼此并不熟悉,只是后来同行的时间多了,自然而然对她也就多了一份了解。
 
很多次,每当我们谈到一个话题时,她总会无意间就用“我爸爸妈妈说”来开头。比如,当我们为毕业之后的去向而发愁时,她会说:我爸爸说,我要么就直接考研考上去,要么就去一家大公司磨炼自己。
 
比如,当我们谈到学校的洗衣机时,她也会说:我妈妈说,学校洗衣机那么多人洗了,又没有消毒,不卫生。我妈妈让我每周末将床单带回去洗。
 
再比如,当我们计划出去哪里旅游时,她依然会说:我爸爸妈妈说,女孩子出去不安全,他们只允许我和自己熟悉的朋友们一起去玩,而且不能去远了,最好是那边有熟人过去才比较安全……
 
每每这时,我既惊讶于她能够肆无忌惮地说起“爸爸妈妈”这个词,而不感觉到脸红,因为我那时在外人面前称呼父母只会用一个单字“妈”或者“爸”。而且,令我更讶异的是,她每次说起她爸爸妈妈是如何如何说时,语气竟是如此地坚决和肯定。
 
直到现在,我才突然明白,那是因为,她的父母在她成长过程中树立的权威,对她产生了非常大的影响。在她心里,她的父母是权威,是理性的,成熟的,值得肯定的,因此,她才会如此笃定她父母的各种做法。
 
不止是这位女同学,相信身边依然有许许多多的父母喜欢在孩子面前树立自己的权威形象。然而,这样的权威对孩子的教育而言真的有必要吗?父母的权威对孩子会产生什么样的影响呢?
 
 
01 权威是什么?
 
对于所有孩子而言,他们的父母最初都曾被视为某种神一般的存在。这就是所谓的父母的权威。那么,为什么会存在这种权威呢?
 
这是因为,一方面,在孩子的眼中,父母不仅高大强壮,而且似乎无所不知,无所不能。他们被父母这种叹为观止的形象深深折服。
 
另一方面,父母们往往拥有孩子需要的所有东西,比如好玩的玩具,好吃的零食,还有亲切的叔叔阿姨们等等。这让孩子本能地依赖父母,去满足自己的需求,这也造就了父母在孩子眼中的权威形象。
 
然而,当孩子渐渐长大,成长为青少年或者成年人之后,他们拥有了独立的思考,广泛的经验,甚至实现了经济独立,完全可以依靠自己的努力来满足自己的需要。
 
这时的他们,会渐渐认识到,以前他们对于父母的评价太过夸张,父母不过是肉体凡胎,他们也会犯错,也会有一些做不到达不成的目标。
 
于是,他们不再迷信于父母的权威,知道该如何去度过自己想要的人生。
 
但是,父母自己怎么看待孩子们的这种独立呢?尽管父母对他们自己的父母的某些行为不认同,但是他们却在自己的成年孩子面前,依然想要维持自己权威的形象。
 
比如,我们会经常听到父母这样说:“我们这是为你好,等你到了我这个年纪,你就会明白我们有多正确。”
 
然而,这种竭力维持的形象真的必要吗?这种做法会让孩子依旧对自己崇拜如初吗?
 
答案是否定的。
 
当父母权威用尽的时候,孩子早已乘起高飞的双翼,飞向了更为辽阔的高空。
 
 
 
02 父母的权威对孩子的影响有哪些?
 
说起父母的权威,我不由得回想起小时候我父亲对我施加的影响。
 
我的父亲和大多数父母一样,小时候的我如果有哪些做得令他不满意的地方,父亲会第一时间冲过来,多数情况下会骂我几句,但是偶尔还会动手打我,每每这时,我就很害怕,生怕自己又做错了什么。
 
后来,长大以后,父亲不再打我,但是被骂依然是免不了的。有时候,我也有做得令他满意的地方,比如学习成绩名列前茅。这时父亲很高兴,会奖励我,还会在亲朋好友面前夸奖我。
 
这让我觉得自己非常依赖父亲的评价,处处谨小慎微,同时内心又极为好胜,希望自己能够做到最好,这样将会得到别人的夸赞。
 
而如今,我早已明白父亲的权威给我带来的不利影响有多大,很多时候我试图去改变自己,让平和一点,不再被他人的意见所左右,而这将会是一个耗时巨大的工程。
 
在《PET父母效能训练》这本书中,作者指出,当孩子面临父母的权威时,他们会有如下12种应对机制:反抗、怨恨、报复、撒谎、责怪他人、专横、争强好胜、联合起来对抗父母、顺从、拍马屁、缺乏创造力、逃避。
 
可以看到,无论是哪一种类型,父母的权威对孩子施加的影响是极为不利的,它会让孩子筑起一道道心墙,用以抵挡父母给他们带来的伤害与痛苦。
 
这种痛苦与伤害是持续的,难以磨灭的,很多孩子在成年以后,依然无法忘记,甚至难以令这些父母权威之下的创口得以愈合,甚至,这种副作用还会延续到下一代,让他们的孩子也备受权威的煎熬。
 
因此,当我们意识到父母的权威对我们施加的影响之后,我们需要学会及时止损,正视自己的过去,梳清自己目前的状态,尽可能去改变自己,让我们成为更好的父母,不让我们的孩子也备受权威的折磨。
 
 
 
03 为何权威一直存在于孩子的教育中?
 
很多时候,权威的使用会令父母们感到愧疚。比如当我家小孩让先生不顺心时,先生有时候忍不住会大吼一句,孩子立马瘪起小嘴,大哭起来。而每每这时,先生会立刻过去抱起孩子,不停地安慰。
 
事后他与我谈起时总表示,其实当他吼了孩子之后,心里还挺过意不去的。
 
诚然,其实许多父母也如同我先生一样,当他们运用强权迫使孩子屈服之后,心里其实是极为自责内疚的。
 
可既然他们明白这一点,又为何无法总是有意无意地继续这种权威呢?
 
其实,一方面,大多数父母们从孩童时代起,就一直被这种权利所控制,比如父母,老师,祖父母,叔叔阿姨等等。在他们的一生中,他们很少看到其他人使用非强权的方式对孩子施加影响。
 
这种知识与经验的缺乏,让他们仍旧沿用旧有的权利。
 
另一方面,还有些父母认为,对孩子使用权威,是一件比较省心省力的事情。当孩子害怕权威时,自然会变得乖巧听话起来。
 
这种方式下的孩子一旦长大,很有可能会产生叛逆,逆反等等极端的负面倾向。
 
写在最后:
 
回到开头的那位女同学,大学毕业之后,我们之间再也没有了联系。
 
因为被父母用权威控制到如今的她,虽已成年,却仍然只是一名幼童。
 
一个没有独立自主意识的人,无论何时,都不可能肆意地驰骋疆场,披荆斩棘。
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