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亲子沟通中常犯的错,看看你中了几条!(建议收藏)

发布日期:2024-09-01 00:12:10编辑:胖虎爱撩妹

我们先来看一段《都挺好》中苏明玉被苏母赶出家门在超市打工,苏母来找她回去的一段对话。
 
苏母:你在这干嘛?
 
明玉:赚钱养活自己。
 
苏母:你故意气我是不是?街坊邻居都知道你在这工作,你不要脸,我还要脸呢。
 
明玉:我已经不花你钱了,你管不着我。
 
苏母:等你在外面混不下去,别回家求我。
 
明玉:我在外面再苦再累,也比在家里受委屈强。
 
苏母:我再跟你说一遍,赶紧把这工作辞了,跟我回家。听见没有?
 
从上面这段对话,可看出,苏母言语间处处充斥着指责、命令的话语,这样沟通有效吗?明玉对妈妈有那么深的怨恨情绪,是不是事出有因呢?在生活中,我们有没有出现这样的错误沟通方式?
 
其实,在生活中,尽管我们父母不会像苏母那样重男轻女,让女儿心生怨恨,但也会因为沟通不畅,导致亲子关系不畅,甚至进入冰点。下面来看看与孩子沟通过程中的几点错误做法。
 
 
01亲子沟通的几个误区
 
【1】命令、控制
 
不少家长认为,自己从小就是在一种命令式的家长权威下长大,辈分鲜明。父母认为孩子听话是对父母不尊重。
 
比如,有的父母常说: “不许那样和妈妈说话”
 
面对这样口吻,孩子在小时候反抗性没那么强,可当她慢慢长大,自我意识
 
形成,孩子还会乖乖听话吗?尤其到青春期,孩子的独立意识增强,面对父母这种命令控制的口吻尤为反感,开始叛逆。
 
试想一下,我们在单位上班会用这样的口气与同事交流吗?当然不会。同事之间相处会以尊重为前提。依纪伯伦先生的意思,孩子虽经由我们而来,但他是独立个体,有自己的思想,若用尊重与孩子相处,孩子反而会更好地成长。
 
【2】警告、威胁
 
每位家长都是发自内心爱着自己的孩子,孩子在长大,有自己的主见,当不
 
能顺从父母时,父母气急败坏,会以警告、威胁的语气与孩子沟通。
 
疫情期间,是家长与孩子冲突剧烈的时候,孩子趁着上网课的机会,偷偷玩电脑、打游戏,跟父母玩起猫捉老鼠的游戏,父母突击检查,孩子慌张隐藏,总有被抓的时候,被父母抓到,训一顿,训多了,也就脸皮厚,干脆破罐子破摔,我就偷偷玩电脑,你能拿我怎么办?
 
父母气急,打又打不得、骂又不起大作用,只能最后出言威胁:如果,你再偷偷玩电脑,我就把家里网全部关了;或者你再不听话,就不要呆在这个家。
 
可是这样的话,有用吗?最终认输的还是家长。
 
 
 
【3】解决方案
 
当孩子遇到困难的时候,父母往往担心孩子解决不了,直接给出解决方案。比如,如果我是你,我就不跟他玩了;你应该出去多运动一下。
 
父母这样与孩子沟通的时候,如果亲子关系和谐,且孩子还比较智能,有的孩子可能还会接受;如果关系不和谐,孩子可能会有一种感受:父母是不相信我的能力,他们觉得我没有能力解决目前困境,遂听之任之,陷入自卑当中。
 
每个孩子都希望自己是最好的,希望有能力在世间轻松快乐地活着,父母要做的是尊重孩子自我的选择,给予他们解决问题的机会。
 
给予而不是代替,是对孩子最好的爱。
 
【4】指责、嘲笑甚至羞辱
 
看到别人的孩子优秀,很多家长羡慕至极,希望自己的孩子也成为别人家的
 
孩子。对孩子的一点一滴严加要求,批评指责的话语,信手拈来,比如,你这孩子太不懂事了;你应该学会体谅别人;我真为感到丢脸;你是猪变的吗?
 
父母通过这些语言与孩子进行沟通,本想通过激将的方法,达到让孩子改变、奋起直追的目的,结果往往会适得其反。
 
美国心理学家威廉 詹姆士曾说:人类本质中最殷切的需求是渴望被肯定。
 
父母是孩子的坚强后盾,如果父母都是如此指责打击孩子,久而久之,孩子真的就变成父母口中的样子了,到时将追悔莫及了。
 
【5】赞扬
 
有的家长看过很多鼓励教育的书籍,认为表扬孩子就能树立孩子的自信心,
 
帮助孩子克服眼前困境。诚然,用对表扬的这一手段,确实能增强孩子的自信心,促使其正向发展,但家长如果使用不当,反适得其反。
 
比如,对话一:
 
孩子:我长得一点都不好看
 
父母:我认为你很漂亮
 
对话二:
 
孩子:这件事我做得太糟了
 
父母:我认为你做得对
 
这两段对话,表面上看父母在肯定和赞扬孩子,但孩子听到却是父母对自己感受的否定,是一种不接受感,是亲子沟通的障碍,父母在鼓励称赞孩子的前提是以
 
以上这些沟通方法,大家是不是似曾相识。在这样的沟通模式里, 不可否认
 
父母是爱着孩子的,可孩子为什么没有感受到“爱”?问题出在父母没有真正接纳孩子和尊重孩子的感受。
 
 
 
02接纳和倾听是亲子沟通的良策
 
感受是一个人最真实的体会,尊重接纳孩子的感受,就是尊重孩子的价值观与存在感。感受孩子的感受最好的方式,就是积极倾听。
 
什么是积极倾听?积极倾听是站在孩子的立场去了解孩子,感受孩子的内心世界,不否定、不评判、不建议,让孩子在思维的流动中,自己解决情绪问题、交往问题等等。
 
比如,我们来看看以下这位家长是如何用积极倾听来帮助这个孩子的。
 
婷婷:丽丽今天不和我一起玩。不论我做什么,她都说不想做。
 
妈妈:你在生丽丽的气。(积极倾听,听出孩子的情绪,给予回应)
 
婷婷:是的,我再也不想跟她一起玩了。她不再是我的朋友了。
 
妈妈:你非常生气,以至于你觉得再也不想见到他了。(积极倾听,捕捉孩子的情绪)
 
婷婷:没错,但是如果他不是我的朋友了,我就再也找不到其他人一起玩了。
 
妈妈:你讨厌一个人玩。(积极倾听)
 
婷婷:是的,我猜我必须去试着用其他方式和他相处。但是我还是很难不生他的气。
 
妈妈:你想跟她更好的相处,但你又觉得不生丽丽的气很难。(积极倾听,在孩子的话语中找到她自己解决问题的办法,加以重复提炼出来)
 
婷婷:我过去从来不会生她的气——然而那时候她总是做我想做的事。现在她不再让我指挥她了。
 
妈妈:婷婷没能一直赞同你想做的事(积极倾听)
 
婷婷:是的,但是不再向他发号施令是很难的——我已经习惯了那样。或许,如果我偶尔让他按照自己的想法做,我们就不会总是吵架了。你认为这样会有用吗?
 
妈妈:你在想如果有时候你肯让步的话,也许就会有帮助(积极倾听)
 
婷婷:是的……或许是这样,我会试试。
 
在上面这个例子中,妈妈始终在倾听,倾听孩子的感受,在孩子的怒气释放
 
之后,开始自发地解决问题。
 
写在最后:
 
智慧的父母一定明白,孩子是自己人生中最重要的一角,让孩子健康成长,是每位父母的愿望,亲子关系的顺畅有助于孩子的成长。
 
想要亲子关系和谐,从改变与孩子的沟通方式开始,变命令为商量,变指责为理解,变怒目为柔和,变说教为倾听。沟通方式变了,人生从此大不同。
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